From one white woman to another, this article is alarming. The article doesn’t discuss the shit our black brothers and sisters go through at all. It’s all about the white woman. The article wreaks of white fragility. You’re in the right when you say reparations are appropriate. However, there’s a lot in the article that betrays a lack of understanding about race and racism both history and the present day. My inkling is, in your back FB friend’s comments, there’s a lesson for you to learn that you’re avoiding - because in the vast majority of cases when WP are called out by black folks for racist shit, being complicit, etc, there is. A few notes-
(1) I will never understand what it is to be black. Just like I will never understand what it’s like to have cancer, like my Dad does, or I’ll never understand what it’s like to have MS, like my cousin does. When I give my Dad advice on how to cope, the first thing I say is, “I don’t know what it’s like to have cancer. But I do think…” I cannot put myself in his shoes. I cannot fully understand. Because I haven’t been there. That’s not “stopping the conversation.” That’s acknowledging a reality. And from that, I read you black FB friend as you trying to tell her something about her life, and her telling you to back off, because you don’t know. It has nothing to do with “weaponizing empathy” and everything to do with being realistic about the gulf -and the humanity we both share- between us.
(2) Saying, “ ‘We can’t swear you off altogether because you control too much’ contains pretty clear segregationist undertones.” sounds, well, insane. To me, it simply sounds truthful — we white people have a ton of power. We control almost everything.
(3) Bringing up the difficulty of talking to racist family members is not offensive to black folks -and white anti-racists- it’s irritating AF. You’re going to seek sympathy for having to confront someone in your family who is content to allow many human beings to be second class citizens simply bc of the color of their skin? That’s not showing solidarity. It’s complaining about an important task you have without considering how life is so much harder for our black brothers and sisters. If you want to be a decent person, this is your work. Just do it. Would it be okay if a male colleague complained to you about having to squash the sexual harassment going on in his department? Is that appropriate?
(3) You state, “even if I overlook how condescending it is to talk about ‘teaching’ me...” When black folks say they’re not here to educate us, they assume two things —1. That we know that white people are in kindergarten when it comes to understanding racism, and black folks have their PhDs. 2. That white people know we need to learn about race and racism in order to fight it, in order to be decent human beings. As white folks, we don’t know anything about race and racism unless we’re hearing from the voices of black folks. So yes, we have to get ourselves educated and be taught. Some white folks choose to listen and learn, to keep moving up a grade, little by little. Other white folks choose not to listen and learn — they stay in kindergarten-and stay racist. The one damn thing white people need to do, if we’re going to be anti-racist, is to listen to black Americans and to listen when we’re called out for being part of the problem and learn from it. If black folks are willing to teach us, that’s a gift. They’re literally teaching us how to be better human beings.
(4) You discuss TJ and Sally —whom TJ is “believed to have loved deeply.” I’m sorry but again, this sounds insane. Looking at the dynamic of slaveholder and slave, looking at the fact that Africans were imported as cattle, looking at the fact that he OWNED her, looking at the extensive use of rape by white men from the slave castles in West Africa to the plantations in the South, is this realistic? What bedtime story did you pull this from and believe it?
(5) You’re asking for empathy from people who knock on a door to ask for directions and get shot (in Detroit on April 12) and who sit at Starbucks and get arrested (in Philadelphia, also on April 12). You’re asking too much. It’s our job to end this horrible shit, not to defend ourselves when we’ve been called out because we’re stuck in our thin-skinned white fragility.

I write this all to clearly call you out and call you in. I am desperate to have more white folks understand racism better, truly listen to voices of color, learn, and join in true solidarity. Without that, our black brothers and sisters are fucked. I wouldn’t have wasted my time if I thought there was no way it could be helpful.